Joe - I Wanna Know
My Thoughts on Love and Relationships
Michael E. Portillo
originally posted 2-27-01
updated 3-10-01
For the longest time I have felt compelled to write about relationships and love. I feel that there are a lot of hurt individuals in this world and I can say that I feel their pain, I have seen many of my friends shed tears (and I have shed tears myself) over relationships. I have wanted to do something to help all those individuals who have been hurt; something to help them avoid getting hurt in the future by giving my suggestions, opinions, and observations. The main purpose for writing my thoughts is to try and help men and women realize:
1. The general types of men and women out there
2. What to look for in a potential dating partner/girlfriend/mate/spouse
3. The NECESSARY components of a lasting loving relationship
4. What can be done to avoid getting hurt and/or experiencing unnecessary pain in a relationship
DISCLAIMER the TAGS given to each group are by no means meant to offend any person. They are simply tags. If they offend you please change them mentally. I will also take suggestions for new tags. Please note that I am making a generalization when I form the groups. They can be divided and sub-divided into much smaller groups but I felt that these groups are good examples.
OK, SO HERE GOES
1. It is my experience and belief that there are two types of men and two types of women when it comes to relationships. Now I realize that there are other ways of grouping people however, I am simply going to discuss the two basic types.
Men can be broken down into two types. There are those who are the "TOURISTS" and there are the "CATCHES". In case you need clarification, the TOURISTS are the type from which you should strive to avoid all thoughts of entering a serious relationship with. If you want a stable, loving, caring, and happy relationship, you should try to get into a relationship with a man from the CATCHES type. I will now go into further detail and describe the two groups.
MEN
TOURISTS
These are boys/men with basically one thing on their minds. They are looking for a good time with women and care little about the extremely important emotional side of the relationship. These are the men who, if you are thinking about or decide to start a long-term/serious relationship, will hurt you. These men are good at saying and doing anything to get what they want in the short term.
Relationships with members of this group can have a combination of the following characteristics:
Lack of communication, selfishness, cheating, dishonesty, lack of courtesy, lack of respect, neglecting the emotional wellbeing of the significant other, primary focus on the physical features of a woman, physical and/or emotional abuse, overbearing jealousy and controlling actions (careful here because jealousy is to be expected, however, there is a point where it is to much). Jerks would be a good name for these guys.
I'd say that this group represents, sadly, about 65 to 70 percent of all single (and married) men. There are a few reasons why men become a part of this group. Two reasons could be these:
They had a male example in their life that they learned from. However, It is also entirely possible that they were tremendously hurt by one or more females in relationships and have vowed revenge or are trying to protect themselves from pain in the future by not allowing anyone else to be truly close to them.
Remember to completely avoid this group if you are looking for or are of the mindset that you want a long-term/serious relationship. Above all, NEVER marry someone from this group unless you aren't bothered by the possibility of divorce in the near future.
Can a person be changed if they are in this group? Yes, but if you want to try and change a tourist yourself I'd say that the chances are well below 1% (if that) and that is IF the man is ready and willing to change. Remember that change doesn't occur overnight, it is a long and hard process. I must say this though, as members of the TOURIST group age, about 25% (maybe more) of them will realize that they need to change and settle down. This begins as early as the late twenties and is fully visible when a TOURIST is "over the hill".
CATCHES
If you have found or do find a member of this group, you need to make sure that you hold on to that man by all means! That's why I call them the "CATCHES". This group consists of men who are looking for long-term/serious relationships. These men are considerate of the feelings, desires, and needs of the person they date. Their happiness comes in part by making their partner happy.
They go by the GOLDEN RULE OF RELATIONSHIPS - treat your partner the way you would want to be treated (and I'm talking in general terms this covers everything from the small to the large things in relationships).
These men pay attention and show a genuine interest in their significant other. Catches will do whatever they can to make sure that their significant other is happy, feels loved and valued, knows their worth, and realizes how special and important they are. A safe environment with good communication and trust is characteristic of catch relationships.
I'd say that 30-35 percent of all men (again both married and single) fall into the "Catches" category. These are the men who you should be with and marry if you want to have a long, happy, loving relationship. They are faithful and sensitive. You must be careful because relationships are two way streets. Both members have to work at the relationship to keep it healthy and alive.
If you neglect the relationship and/or cause the Catch to work overly hard to keep the relationship strong, alive, and growing, you can burn them out. Also, if you aren't looking for a serious/long-term relationship (S/LT) you need to steer clear of this group of men. Women who aren't looking for S/LT relationships can really deeply hurt a Catch. If a Catch is deeply hurt more than a few times, he will give up on his dream of a happy S/LT (or marriage) and most likely join the ranks of the "TOURIST" group. This would really ruin it for another woman looking for an S/LT or marriage.
WOMEN
WANDERERS
This group of women is extremely similar to the "TOURISTS" group. They have reacted to being hurt or have learned from a female example and as a result they have joined the WANDERER group.
These are girls/women who are looking for a good time with men and care little about S/LT relationships. These are the women who, if you are thinking about or decide to start a long-term/serious relationship, will hurt you. These women are good at saying and doing anything to get what they want from a man (mostly material things or in some instances sex). If you are a man and you are looking for a serious/long-term relationship or marriage STAY AWAY from the WANDERERS!
Relationships with members of this group can have a combination of the following characteristics:
Selfishness, cheating, dishonesty, lack of courtesy, lack of respect, neglect of the emotional wellbeing of the significant other, emotional abuse, and a primary focus on the material goods or physical features of a man. This group and the TOURIST group have very similar characteristics. There is also a sense of distance when in the presence of a WANDERER. It's as if they are thinking of something else or are mentally in another place when you are with them.
I'd say that this group represents about 50-60 percent of all single (and married) women.
As with the TOURIST group, remember to completely avoid this group if you are looking for or are of the mindset that you want a long-term/serious relationship. Again, NEVER marry someone from this group unless you aren't bothered by the possibility of divorce in the near future.
Can a person be changed if they are in this group? Yes, and I'd say the chances of changing a WANDERER are a lot better than the chance one has of changing a TOURIST. I'd say with a tremendous amount of unconditional love and a lot of patience one might be able to change a WANDERER 1% to 5% of the time. Again, this is extremely difficult and will most likely backfire with the WANDERER getting more of what they want and not changing one bit. As with the TOURISTS, WANDERERS change with age. During the late twenties to mid thirties perhaps as many as 50% of them will realize that they need to change and settle down.
SWEETHEARTS
MEN if you have found a woman like this you better realize it and treat her like the precious person she is!!! I cannot stress that enough. Hold on to a SWEETHEART by all means.
Maybe there is a better term to describe this group of women but I think the word "sweetheart" perfectly sums up this group. This group consists of women who are looking for long-term/serious relationships and/or marriage. These women are also considerate of feelings, desires, and needs of the person they date; emotional fulfillment is very important to members of this group. They are happy when they know that they are loved, valued, respected, cared for, listened too, understood, and treated in a chivalrous manner.
Generally women in this category have what is called a servants heart. They will do nice things for their partner randomly and make sure that they are "there" to support their partner. Most of the time they do these things not expecting anything in return and are extremely happy when their partner reciprocates with random acts of love and kindness.
These women, like CATCHES, pay attention and show a genuine interest in their significant other. SWEETHEARTS will do whatever they can to make sure that their significant other is happy, feels loved and valued, knows their worth, and realizes how special and important they are. A safe environment with good communication and trust is characteristic of the type of relationship a SWEETHEART wishes to be a part of.
I'd say that 40-50 percent of all women (again both married and single) fall into the "SWEETHEARTS" category. These are the women who you should be with and marry if you want to have a long, happy, loving relationship/marriage. They are faithful and sensitive. As with CATCHES, you must remember that relationships are two way streets. Both members have to work at the relationship to keep it healthy and alive.
SWEETHEARTS value honesty, openness, a sense of humor, a positive outlook, emotional support, generosity, kindness, love, communication, and a deep connection (a soul mate). Remember, if you neglect the relationship and/or cause the SWEETHEART to work overly hard to keep the relationship strong, alive, and growing, you can burn them out. Also, if you aren't looking for a serious/long-term relationship (S/LT) you need to steer clear of this group of women. Men who aren't looking for S/LT relationships can deeply hurt a SWEETHEART. Lastly, just like a CATCH, if a SWEETHEART is deeply hurt more than a few times, she will give up on her dream of a happy S/LT (or marriage) and most likely join the ranks of the "WANDERERS" group. This would really ruin it for another man looking for an S/LT or marriage.
2. Things to look for in a potential partner:
A servants heart, a genuine interest in your life/feelings/thoughts, generosity, a sense of humor, thoughtfulness, concern for your physical and emotional wellbeing, kindness, sensitivity, helpfulness, patience, chivalry, manners, common courtesy, and selflessness.
Now these are basic traits to look for in a potential dating partner. If you are looking for a relationship you should also strive to adopt these traits yourself. These are all great traits but alas, we are all human beings and it's extremely difficult to find a person who exhibits all these traits (and even harder to find someone who exhibits all these traits at the same time)! If you find a person who has most of those traits and also stresses honesty and communication then that's a person you should SERIOUSLY consider getting involved with.
REMEMBER NEVER GET INVOLVED WITH SOMEONE WHO EXHIBITS ABUSIVE TRAITS!
This can be emotional or physical abuse including but not limited to: hitting, pushing, yelling, intimidation, bullying, saying hurtful things and/or belittling you with consistency.
IF YOU ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP WHERE YOUR PARTNER EXHIBITS ONE OF THE TRAITS I HAVE JUST LISTED, GET OUT AS SOON AS POSSIBLE! BY ALL MEANS GET OUT OF THE RELATIONSHIP! EVEN IF YOU ARE MERELY DATING SOMEONE WHO EXHIBITS THESE TENDENCIES, STOP DATING THAT PERSON IMMEDIATELY! These people will always have an excuse, "I was mad", "I was drunk", they always say "it won't happen again", IT WILL. DO NOT ACCEPT ANY EXCUSES! Do what is best for yourself and GET OUT OF AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP (and stay out)!
3. NECESSARY COMPONENTS - There are some basic things that you want to look for in a potential dating partner/girlfriend/mate/spouse. First of all it is my belief and experience that all good relationships should be based on communication and honesty. Those are the two basic building blocks of any good relationship. Now most of you are probably saying "what about love?" Well, love is a very important part of the relationship. If the relationship is based on honesty and communication, trust is built up. With trust comes a supportive environment where both members of the relationship can feel safe and free to express themselves. That situation is ideal and then you can experience true love. What is love without trust? What is love without communication or a safe and secure environment?
Secondly, I am a firm believer in the GOLDEN RULE OF RELATIONSHIPS - treat your partner the way you would want to be treated!
If only more people would live by that simple rule the many problems could be avoided! Breakups, separations, and the divorce rate would plummet! Why would you say something hurtful to your partner if you wouldn't want that same thing said to you? Before you act, think for just 5 seconds (maybe less), just think "would I want this done to me?" By following the rule you can do great things for your partner because you want great things done for you! You can say nice things that will build them up because you would want those same nice things said to you!
4. WHAT CAN BE DONE TO AVOID GETTING HURT OR EXPERIENCING UNNECESSARY PAIN IN A RELATIONSHIP?
Well, first we have to get down to the root cause of pain, hurt, and breakups. Remember the 4 groups we talked about TOURISTS, CATCHES, WANDERERS, and SWEETHEARTS? My observations and experience have led me to this conclusion: Most of the SWEETHEARTS are attracted to the TOURISTS. It is usually the TOURISTS who are flashy, attractive, and live life in the "fast lane" so to speak. They also know exactly what to say and how to act in order to get what they want. Those factors initially attract some SWEETHEARTS to the TOURISTS. SWEETHEARTS may see potential for financial security, fun, or happiness, however they soon experience deep hurt, pain, and eventually a breakup. This is due to the fact that TOURISTS are looking mainly for fun and short-term relationships while SWEETHEARTS are looking more towards the long-term.
The same is true with the CATCHES, they see the flashy, "crazy, sexy, cool" WANDERERS and are mesmerized. They think that they can change the WANDERER or keep the WANDERER. More often than not they are proven wrong and experience pain, hurt, and eventually the breakup. Again WANDERERS are looking for short-term fun and relationships while CATCHES want long-term relationships.
The solutions to these problems are simple. If you want a short-term relationship, fun only, or don't want to make a commitment (basically if you are a WANDERER or a TOURIST) SEEK EACH OTHER OUT! That is the absolute simplest thing I can say. You both are looking for fun! You both want short-term relationships and don't want to be "tied down". It would work perfectly if you had relationships with people who had similar goals as you.
The same is true for CATCHES and SWEETHEARTS. You both seek nurturing relationships, where there is good communication, a safe and secure environment, a focus on emotional and physical wellbeing, and a common bond (among other things). Most importantly YOU BOTH WANT LONG TERM RELATIONSHIPS! If you are a CATCH seek a SWEETHEART (and vice-versa)! Problem solved!
What I have just said may eliminate a good deal of problems afflicting many relationships across the world. However, there needs to be a shift in focus as well. People need to change the focus off of themselves and focus on the other person in the relationship! We all need to serve our partners and not care only for what we can get out of the relationship! This is true for members in the relationship!
Another big problem is the destruction of trust brought on by cheating, lying, or sneaking around. Honesty is ALWAYS THE BEST POLICY. It will hurt someone 100 times more if they find out that you did something bad (i.e. lied, or cheated), from someone else. You shouldn't wait to tell the person. They will eventually find out somehow because everything that is done in secret is eventually brought out to light. Be open and honest.
If you are going to cheat (that is if you know for certain that you are going to cheat when the opportunity presents itself (AND YOU SHOULD NEVER CHEAT IN A RELATIONSHIP) have the courtesy to break up with your partner. Honestly state that you are attracted to another person. Make it clear that you intend to keep your word and remain faithful to your partner and not cheat while you still have a commitment to them. Make sure they understand that is the reason why you are first breaking the relationship off. Your partner will be hurt but will also have the confidence that you remained true to them while you were with them. It would be worse for them to find out sometime later that their partner has cheated on them. If the reason why you wouldn't tell your partner that you cheated on them (and wouldn't break up with them first if you know you are going to cheat) is because you don't want to hurt them then DON'T CHEAT.
Remember that being hurt by a significant other is probably the worst kind of wound a person can experience. If a person gets a cut, they can use a Band-Aid. If a person has a headache, they can take an aspirin. If a person has a broken bone, they can get a cast and pain medicine. What I am saying here is this; there is a quick remedy for all types of pain, EXCEPT EMOTIONAL PAIN. The only remedy for emotional pain is time and it can be a long and agonizing process to get over emotional pain. Sometimes the person is never the same.
REMEMBER THE GOLDEN RULE OF RELATIONSHIPS! Would you want to be hurt by your partner (your current one or a future one)? If the answer is NO then DO NOT HURT the one you are with. Again this doesn't include breakups in the case of abuse, an unrelenting desire to be unfaithful, or different goals (i.e. long-term vs. short-term relationships and lack of firm commitment). It is better to hurt someone less now with a breakup, if you are absolutely sure that you will hurt him or her even more in the future by cheating or abusing etc. However, it is always a good policy to talk things over with your significant other. If you are thinking about doing something that might hurt you or your partner, talk it over with your partner. Many problems can be worked out just by simply talking. Be open and honest. If a problem comes up in a relationship (not abuse or cheating) don't simply breakup over it. Try and do all in your power to talk it over, work out compromise and understand each-others feelings. If the problem still can't be solved after extensive talking and attempts at compromise, then maybe a separation, time off, or a breakup is inorder. Just remember that starting a new relationship is not the easiest thing in the world. Working with the one you have might be a better choice if you feel that you have a good basis of trust, honesty, and communication already.
Well, I hope that reading this has helped you understand relationships a little better. I trust that I have given you information and insight so you would be less likely to get hurt in a relationship and more likely to have a happy, successful relationship in the future. Please give me feedback and/or a testimonial. I will post comments (with approval of the person who sent the comments of course). I am also available to just listen to problems and/or give input. Later (hopefully) I will also take surveys and post the results.
Thanks!